Ewua's Blog

A reader asked about this situation: In my extended family, there is an immature and angry person. Actually, this person is not only hateful and argumentative, he has told blatant and dangerous lies about my family. Specifically, he claims that my husband did something inappropriate. No one in the family believes him, but I'm wondering how I should handle this, especially with the holidays coming. We have family events planned, but I don't want to be around him, nor do I want my family around him. Is that unchristian? Do you have any advice?

You have every right to choose the people who can be around your family in a private situation in your own ?territory? (i.e. your home, your events, etc.).

However, you should not force your personal convictions about another family on OTHER family members outside your home. You have the ability to choose not to attend something at their house or any other house where the person might be present, but you should not tell other people who they can or cannot invite.

Also, you should not take it upon yourself, in my opinion, to inform other family why you have declined an invitation unless they specifically ask. Then, you should be a "non-gossipy" and uncritical as you can while still being honest. "We are choosing not to come because of the situation between us and [the other family member].?

Because of the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, it is important that if you do attend the family function, do not let anyone in your family be alone with that person. Don't give credibility to the accusations. Without evidence or the collaboration of witnesses, it is just talk. Hurtful, but just talk.

As far as your attitude goes, it would only be unchristian if you were to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, do what you are able to do for the sake of peace, keeping things from escalating, BUT always protecting your family.

Remember, as a Christian, your marriage and your kids come first.

Attend the family dinner. Go to the holiday party. In public, act like everything is fine. If the offending family member makes an effort to patch things up, reciprocate. However, I must warn you to be careful and discerning. People often use attempts at reconciliation as a ploy to start things up again.

DO NOT talk to others in your family about the family member in question. This is big temptation you need to stop, or avoid, whichever is the case. There is nothing good about getting everyone on "your side" or spreading around the "news" of this bad behavior under the guise of being "concerned". That would be gossip, plain and simple.

Ultra-immature and childish members of the extended family can be quite maddening, but they don't have to have power over you. YOU dictate the interaction with your family on YOUR turf, but you can only carefully manage the situation outside your own environment, like at this Thanksgiving event.

I want to say this again ? do not force your family members to side with you. People are smart and will be able to see the truth. Troublemakers and liars rarely have their family members fooled. It's not fair for you to demand the other family members abide by your convictions. Therefore, your options are not to attend or to hold a gathering at your home without inviting the offending family member.

To boil it down, here is my advice ? if you choose to allow the family member to come to your home, make sure it is with the understanding that there must be no fighting. No angry outbursts will be allowed. If that occurs, he will be asked to leave. Remember not to allow your immediate family to be alone with him. Attend the other family events, but inform the hostess that if the offender creates a scene, you will immediately leave the party.